The Art Of Parenting
By James Krehbiel

Parenting is an art. There are no manuals to give us all the answers. Sometimes we learn through trial and error. The key for parents is to not continue doing the same things repeatedly that don’t work. Try a different approach. Remember that mistakes are a necessary function of change. The goal of parenting is to help your children develop a sense of autonomy. Teaching them to be self-directed and responsible means that one must learn not to underfunction or overfunction as a parent. Underfunctioning or being an “absent parent” leaves a child feeling alone without support. The lack of encouragement, nurturing, and affirmation can have a detrimental impact on a child’s current behavior.

Many parents overfunction in the process of parenting. They get overly involved in every aspect of their child’s life. They vicariously live their lives through their children. I always tell my parents, “Never do for a child what he can do for himself.” Children learn to manipulate overfunctioning parents to get what they want. Since overfuntioning parents fear the disapproval of their children, they cater and give in to their wants and needs even if they are unreasonable requests. Fritz Perls, Gestalt therapist used to remark, “Kids need to be appropriately frustrated.” What he meant was that overparenting creates an environment whereby children do not learn the skills necessary for self-regulation. Sometimes we need to let our kids figure things out without interference.

Parents often tend to parent the way they were disciplined. This may involve some archaic notions about parenting that no longer work in today’s world with children. For parents, this may mean giving up the image of parenting that was established during their childhood. Sometimes a parent will swallow the image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. As parents we need to get in touch with the kid within us. We need to remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our childhood wasn’t fun, then we need to grieve it and vow to make things different for our own children. If our “inner parent” is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic expectations for our children. The inner critic is full or moral injunctions and is the judge and jury of our behavior. Parents need to get in touch with the critic, understand its contents and then detach from the oughts, musts and shoulds. Parents will want to rationally respond to the inner critic with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This process will assist in clearing up the “muddy water” when it comes to coaching and advising our children.

In parenting, using positive reinforcement when your child gets things right, or using encouragement helps promote involvement. Maintaining consistent consequences, both positive and negative, are more effective than trying to coerce your child to do something for you. Asking kids to make value judgments about choices they make is more effective than moralizing or pontificating about the right way to do things. If a child brings home a poor grade from school, resist the urge to lecture on the value of education. Ask your child, “Is what you’re doing in this class good enough for you? How do you feel about this evaluation from the teacher?” Do not accept excuses, such as I hate this teacher, or I forgot to do some assignments. State your disappointment in what has happened and ask your child what he plans on doing to improve the matter. Box him in by making him accountable for coming up with a reasonable plan for improvement. Get it in writing if you wish, or with a handshake, but get a commitment for improved behavior. Never let your child off the hook. Make your child explain how he will change things for the better. Be calm, somewhat detached and persistent. Remember, parenting is an art.

James P. Krehbiel is an author, contributing writer for familyresource.com, and a cognitive-behavioral therapist. Sample chapters of his book, STEPPING OUT OF THE BUBBLE can found at booklocker.com/pdf/2242s.pdf. He can be reached at krehbielcounseling.com.

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Spending Time With Your Baby – Making The Most Of Joy
By Roy Thomsitt

When you first bring home your Bouncing New Baby, you will surely feel you want to watch over her and be with her much of the time, especially if you are a first time parent. Newborn babies are fascinating even if they are not yours; when they are your own, that special feeling takes off into the stratosphere. You may feel tempted to hold them, watch them and chat to them the whole time; even when they are asleep you will enjoy standing silently over them and observe them in their slumbers.

Those first few days are a magical time, but then a transformation may take place. For the first few nights, the night feed may be a novelty, and you may even feel “great, she’s awake, I can see her again”. But then sleep interruption may start to irritate you rather than be a signal for pleasure; tiredness begins to take a hold as your sleep is disturbed so often. Night feeds, cholic, bringing up her milk; all can contribute to an interrupted night. Insufficient sleep mixed with aggravation can start to eat away at that feeling of wonder you had when your baby first came home.

Your baby has not changed; but you have. She is the same gorgeous baby you brought home from hospital. Her simple life is evolving only very slowly to her; it is yours that is changing most rapidly. Those rapid changes, maybe mixed with a new level of tiredness you have not felt before, represent the first exertion of pressure on that very special relationship – you and your baby.

Then there is day time. The old day to day pressures are still there; the need to rush around to the shops, worrying about money, wondering how to deal with work, job and baby; the car not starting, the leak in the pipe under the sink, the washing machine seizing up under the constant use. The days spent wishing you could get a good night’s sleep, wishing you were back at work earning more money, and being with your work colleagues. The time you spend thinking: “where’s my life gone? I have no control anymore. That baby is my jailer in the day time and tormentor at night.”

Stop! That is a train of thought you must either not board, or at least get off at the first station. It is a train fuelled by self pity, and heading down the track to unhappiness for you, your partner, and your baby. You are the only one who controls your life; you choose between the track to contentment and joy, or to discontent and misery.

Remember, that baby loves you more than anyone else ever has, unless you have had a baby before. Her devotion, her admiration, and her dependence are total. It is for you to decide whether that is something to cause resentment in you, or the overwhelming joy that it should. That little miracle of a baby is the biggest responsibility you have ever had, but she can also be the source of the greatest pleasure and joy.

Compare your baby’s devotion with your work colleagues you miss; in 10 years time you will probably have lost contact with most or all of them. Your workplace is like a busy junction where people cross over. Your work? If you are employed, your bosses will ditch you as soon as they need to if they see a “better” alternative. Your car, your washing machine, your leaking pipe; do you really think they are important compared to that unique and potentially wonderful relationship that is in your arms, the relationship with your baby?

You make the choices; you take the actions. You have experienced in the first few days with baby at home that there can be sheer joy and excitement; wonderment and appreciation. The baby loves you to bits; you can love her to bits too, and put the exterior trivia in their rightful place. Or, the baby loves you to bits and you can wallow in resentment because she’s interrupting your life, demanding attention when you have a leaking pipe or a car that won’t start.

In black and white, on paper, it’s a simple choice; but how can you make that choice and achieve the right balance in your life? Think about it quietly for a while; somewhere on your own. Think of the pleasure the baby gives you in those precious moments when you do not feel stressed. Then, make a conscious decision to perpetuate those moments; to make each moment you have with your baby, infant and child a moment when you and she are there simply for each other.

As your baby grows, there will be countless moments of development that can bring you a lot of pleasure and pride; learning to walk, getting out of her crib, her kisses and cuddles, her first word and every new word thereafter; her expressions, mimicry, her laughter and her first attempt to dance to the music on the radio; her attempts to control and manipulate you, and learning to use her charm to get her own way. All can be moments of intense pleasure, if you allow them to be.

Such developments you can allow to merge into the noisy background of life’s trivia, and miss the joy they can bring you. In so doing you are increasing the chances of an unhappy baby, and an unhappy you. Or, you can make each moment you spend with your baby one for you to enjoy to the full, shutting out life’s trivia for those times you are sharing with your offspring. In so doing you would increase the chances of a happy baby and a happy you.

You make the choices; you take the actions. For your own sake and the baby’s, spend as much time with your baby as you can, and set out to enjoy it to the full. Shut out the trivia that are trying to spoil your unique relationship, and your life will be considerably better for it.

It is not always possible, but try to organise the trivia around your time with baby. The more you give her precedence, and willingly, the more happy you will both be. Enjoy every single moment of watching her development. It is something that cannot be repeated.

This baby care article was written by Roy Thomsitt, owner author of the Bouncing New Baby website. Ably assisted by his baby daughter, he is also responsible for the Baby Blog

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Proactive Parenting — How to Set Goals for Your Family and Children
By Shelly Walker

So often, we parents get caught in a cycle of reactive parenting. A situation comes up and we react, and that seems to be the only way we parent. We go along, moment to moment and day to day and simply react to the circumstances around us. Taking a moment to step out of this cycle to look at the long-term big picture is a great way to get some perspective and begin to head your family in the right direction.

We’re so busy. Frantic. Hectic. We wait for the weekends (or the vacation) to have fun with our families. We’re on the go, from morning ‘til night and by the time evening does come we’re often so exhausted that we only have enough energy to sit in front of the TV and zone out.

No wonder we are being reactive parents, flying by the seat of our pants! We’re all doing the best we can every day for our families. But there’s another way to parent our children: a positive, loving, long-term view of them and their lives that lends itself to possibility and joy.

By taking just a few minutes today to realign yourself with your goal for your family, you can make a positive change that will rapidly diffuse to every person in your household. If you are married, do this exercise with your spouse. Get on the same page and begin today to work for the same goals. If you are co-parenting with a non-resident parent, get together and spend just a small amount of time that will make a huge difference in the lives of your children. If you are a single parent it is even more important that you take the time to be proactive now, so you’re not chasing your tail later!

Being a proactive parent means that you think about what you want for your children in the long run and take every parenting moment that comes to help them towards that goal. I’ll show you what I mean.

One of the things that I want for my children is for them to be financially independent. I want them to know how to use their money to create passive income. I want them to know that they can live their passions in life and make money, too. I want them to know how to save, invest, tithe and spend their money wisely. So, keeping that goal in mind, how can I parent them in a way that will work towards this goal? Here’s what I do:

That is one small goal that Michael and I have for our children. We keep that goal in mind every single day, in every parenting moment. Sometimes its hard work: maybe I think that the toy John wants is a total waste of money and it’s its hard to resist talking him out of it. But how will he ever learn how to make smart choices if he’s never allowed to choose for himself? Freedom is empowering, though it may be a little scary.

Now it’s time to sit down and do the following exercise. You may be able to do it in a few minutes or you might want to think about it for a few days and then sit down with your partner and put your answers to paper. As Steven Covey says in The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, begin with the end in mind! Begin today to parent with the end in mind: happy, successful children who grow into fully empowered adults.

Step 1: Sit down, relax, get a cup of tea or a glass of water, and just be for a few minutes. If you pray, ask for guidance and a Knowing of the best goals for your family. If you like, you can simply close your eyes for a few minutes and get centered and still. The best parenting comes from that place of Stillness and Knowing that is deep within.

Step 2: Write down these six phrases, leaving room between them to write:

1. Financial Security
2. Physical Health
3. Emotional/Spiritual Health

4. Creative Freedom
5. Relationships
6. Other Goals

Step 3: Begin to brainstorm and write down any goal or desires for your children that come to mind. Most goals will fit into one of the first five categories. Imagine your children as adults. What skills do you want them to have? Are they happy, successful, empowered individuals? What do their relationships look like? Just keep writing and imagining until you have filled one sheet of paper.

Step 4: On another sheet of paper, re-write your 6 topics and put down your most important five goals for each area of development. It’s okay if you and your spouse have different priorities. Pick one that is very important to you both and each pick two more to add to the list.

Step 5: Choose one area of development to begin working on right away and add the others in as you can. Keep your goals in mind as you parent you children and remember that modeling the behaviors that you wish to see is the most effective way to teach your children. Emerson said, “Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you are saying.”

Keep your goals handy and update them as necessary. Remember to celebrate your children’s successes with them and let them celebrate yours.

Straight talk from the mom who’s been where you are and knows how to help your family: Shelly Walker is the mother of two beautiful children and the author of Awakened Power and the upcoming book Parenting Keys. Shelly is passionate about children and believes that every child deserves healthy, happy parents. For more information, go to http://www.parentingkeys.com

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